a friend of sorts tells me they can see me conducting experiments with alcohol, and after feeling somewhat offended by the crappy quality of the photographs on the site, i concede that this kinda remark is justified, given the one-dimensionality i seem to have achieved in certain quarters, with certain people.

a part of me weeps inside, while another makes a mental note to perhaps one day change the domain name of my website.
and in other news, cary tennis, in his salon column, has one of the more succinct & unpretentious writerly identity statements i’ve seen in a while:

Because, of course, like many other writers, I hate myself. I just fucking hate myself. I hate my writing. I hate my writing. I hate my writing. I hate my fucking voice in my head. I hate all the voices in my head. I wish for nothing so much as silence and contentment, but I have to keep talking because I believe if I keep talking I stay alive. If I stop talking, I die. That’s how it is. So I hate my fucking self, but I can’t stop talking and I can’t stop writing and I can’t stop these fucking voices from rehashing funerals from my childhood and visions of Christmas dinners, because I think if it stops I’m a dead man. It’s all in there all the time hashing itself out. It’s a life form. Language is a life form. Language, speech, imagination, it’s a parasitic life form that burrows in and takes over.

And of course when I look at what I’ve written, I hate it. It’s a bunch of fucking garbage! So what’s new? Am I the only fucking writer who hates himself and hates his writing? Hell no. It’s a sport. It’s a national anthem. It’s a way of life.

It’s our way of life.

indeed. anyway, that’s all for now.

my friend seelight reminds me that it is useful to take an accounting and record it somewhere, whether or not anyone but yourself and a select few give a shit.

so, a random accounting of my 2006, and possibly i’ll wait until lunar new year’s to do a more organized one. today’s post shall be short, with a list of moments/activities/happenings of 2006 that were and remain hella defining and shit for me:

LIST O’ THINGS THAT WERE & REMAIN HELLA DEFINING & SHIT FOR ME IN 2006 (PART I)

not in order of definingness, nor in chronological order. can i help it if i think outside the box?

1. performed in my hometown, new york city, for the first time, at laugh factory in times square (12/8 and 12/9). part of a ridiculously exhilarating week back home.
2. performed in lost angeles, for the first time, the first trip somewhat triumphantly and part of a similarly (yet not at all similar, in some respects) ridiculously exhilarating few days (4/21 and 4/22 performance days), and the second trip quite the opposite (5/12ish).

3. five comedy/writing honors that i remember: a) having one of my scripts read at berkeley rep as part of the playground program (3/20); b) being awarded an individual artist commission from the san francisco arts commission, for 10k, to write a solo performance piece; c) winning $200 for a rooftopcomedy.com contest, like best set of the month or something like that, for a set i did 3/31 (so far 2916 views); d) being a semifinalist at the funniest female competition, which isn’t necessarily the highlight of a career, but it was the first comedy competition i took part in (4/22); e) being accepted again into playground writers pool.
4. performed at places i’ve wanted to perform at–punchline in san francisco, san jose improv, cobb’s, purple onion, laugh factory in LA, laugh factory in NY, the improv in brea, ca.

5. still don’t have a great comedy DVD. pisses me off.

6. not accepted into a bunch of things i submitted dvds/applications, whether for comedy or writing or some other thing.

7. missed a bunch of deadlines for stuff i wanted to apply to

8. something for which 8/3/06 is very important, but not for public consumption

9. started this new website, with the genius and generosity of derek chung

10. had a lot of personal drama, but learned much, as one is wont to do when it comes to personal drama, no? thank god for anguish & joy

11. found a drummer who seems to want to stay with the band formerly known as bantercut, still playing with the same bassist/guitarist, found a new lead guitar for The Band. all very good

12. seem to have defined myself one-dimensionally as a cigarette-smoking, whiskey-drankin’ fool–possibly not the best career move, but ah well. it was unintentional (and don’t go giving me shit about the site’s name; whiskeyandacigarette is a state of mind, not a state of physical being, a’ight? christ.

13. moved into a new neighborhood and new apartment, and love it.

14. dramatically improved relationships with my family, to the point where i’m quite giddy about it.

15. started a martial art.

16. didn’t die or succumb to despair or depression.

17. had the honor to be in a play, “walls,” and experience the best cast/crew experience of my life.

18. not for public consumption (but has to do with ten years).

19. not for public consumption (but has to do with the value of an end).

20. not for public consumption (but has to do with the dangers of certain substances).

okay. that’s a good random list for now, i think.

resolutions, i don’t know if i’ll make them, but i think i shall. don’t know if they’ll be for public consumption.